You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2009.
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This is going to be a bit rambling.
The exhaustion goes down to my poor aching bones. I slept for ten hours and my body is still tired. I am currently at 500 mg of Depakote ER and the exhaustion is almost like when I was at 1,500 mg. Except that now I can’t drink coffee to keep myself awake. I had read about this on other sites but didn’t really believe that it would happen to me as with every drop, excluding the initial depression, I simply feel better and better. The smart thing to do would probably be to hold at this level until the exhaustion leaves but the number of pills left are limited and I’ve got to work around what I’ve got and leave some room for error.
The state insurance company sent my application back to me saying that I didn’t get the necessary information to them within the 30 day window. They didn’t mention that they made me run around for most of that trying to get information that they later said they didn’t need and so I ran out of time. Fuckers. I guess it’s not a big deal as I can resubmit next week but it irritates me. Getting insurance shouldn’t be this difficult.
The anxiety has gone back to being manageable but flares up from time to time just to put me in my place. For some reason it likes to bother me just as I’m taking a nap on the sofa but strangely not so much when I nap or sleep in bed. It’s easily enough fixed, all napping takes place in bed now. I just don’t get the connection. Other times it hits me while driving on the highway so I’ve taken to the side streets for less stressful travel.
I am hoping to get a interview next week for a job that this place may have. I have concerns but I am also really excited. It’s been nice having the time off to recharge but I’m ready to stop playing the hermit and be around people again. I just don’t want to make the same mistakes that I’ve made in the past and want to work for a place where the boss will give me constructive feedback in a positive manner. I get discouraged easily so it would help to have someone else do the cheerleading for a change.
I have also decided that if it comes down to it that I will withdraw money from my retirement plan and pay off my car. I hope that it doesn’t come to this but I need it if I plan on working. This is not like Chicago or New York where I could easily get by without one. It’s not ideal but it’s an option which has taken some pressure off. Taking the pressure off seems to be what it’s all about these days.
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This is my personal manifesto. Fueled by anger and beer it is what it is. This is what I believe. This is my passion. This is what keeps me human.
- True living requires messy living. Life is not some hermetically sealed package that is untouched by bacteria. Life is dirty and soiled. It is contagious and dangerous. Life is short and worth investigating.
- Likewise, love is painful. Love without pain is like pasta without olive oil, something not worth our time. It’s okay to fail at love. Hell, it’s required.
- Life without emotions is death. Feel everything no matter how deeply. You will survive.
- Conformity is also death. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. The media breeds fear. Fuck ‘em.
- Sex should be messy. Revel in it. Love the one you’re with. Do it with a pure heart.
- Music and art feed the soul. Feed yourself often. Feel.
- God/Goddess/Universe meant you to love yourself as well as others. Don’t piss him/her off. Seriously.
- Anger destroys the soul. It’s okay to be angry but don’t let it destroy you. Remember to water the seeds of love and compassion.
- It is important to reach out to others. Don’t be an asshole.
- Art is truth. If you are true to yourself then you are beautiful.
- Don’t fall in love with your diagnosis. (Thank you Jane.) You are what you think you are not what other people think so be kind to yourself.
- It’s okay to change your mind. It’s called evolution.
- It’s okay to make yourself vulnerable. The worst that will happen will be that you get hurt, and you’ve lived through that before haven’t you?
- Once you leave home you get to choose your family. Choose well.
- Love is infinite. Don’t be afraid to spread it around. You’ll never run out.
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As expected I am feeling much better since my last post. As I taper off the medications my depressions have become fewer and shorter but are more intense. I blame the depakote for fucking up my body rhythms but won’t know for sure until I’m off it for good. It’s looking like I should be off it entirely by early summer 2009. The timing is determined by the number of pills that remain. As I am still uninsured thanks to the fucking incompetence of the state health insurance agency I can’t afford to get any more depakote to extend the time frame. It’s okay though as I feel confident that it’s doable as long as I have a plan to deal with the depression that hits with each decrease. That last one was a doozy. I am going to a meditation class tomorrow to get back into the meditation grove which will help with the next depression.
I am also interviewing for a possible job next week which will get me out of the house. I think that while I enjoy being alone in the long run it is not healthy. I need the people interaction to get out of my head.
This is a quick update.
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When I was a young child I had a reoccurring nightmare where I was being buried alive under tons of rock and dirt. Frightened, I would wake up gasping for air still feeling the weight of the soil upon my chest. This is how I feel tonight as the weight of despair (it’s too deep to call it depression) pushes down on me, making it hard to breath. Realizing what was going on the anxiety ramped up and started pushing adrenaline into my veins which got me shaking and crying in frustration.
God I hate crying.
[Note: discussion of suicide after the jump.]
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Like the Feist song I am in fact, feeling it all. Like an open nerve that is absorbing all the world’s anxieties my brain is figuratively vibrating with energy. Every decision, every little thing that needs doing is fraught with danger and what-ifs. It’s exhausting.
However, at least I am feeling something. After years of being an emotional zombie thanks to depakote it’s fucking fantastic to be able to feel anything even if it is unusually amplified. Music once again brings out intense feelings of happiness or bittersweet pain. I need to be careful about what music I choose to listen to. Does this mean that I should be medicated away? No. It means that I have one mother of a cold and my defenses are down and I need to be watchful of my physical and mental health. My old psychiatrist would have disagreed as he took any sign of my musical “enjoyment” as reason to ramp up the antipsychotics. It scares me now when I think of what he considered unnatural. Better for me to be a barely functioning meatbag than learn to understand how to respond to this behavior constructively. Thank [insert deity of your choice here] that the current psychiatrist isn’t like this.
I am also stressed out about finding paying work as my savings are getting low. I am also now uninsured. The one health insurance that will accept me through the state has cashed the check but is jerking me around. Hopefully it will be resolved in my favor soon.
Well, I’m off to drink some tea. Maybe it will loosen up the snot bomb in my head. TMI, I know.
Here, watch a video:
The computer is back in the shop. I hope to be back soon.
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Since the last depakote decrease sleep has been eluding me. Every night for the past four nights either my calf muscles contract so tight they hurt or anxiety attacks and paranoia come and torture me, or both. Bastards.
To be clear the dosage decrease was 125mg of divelproex DR which before anyone gets all “that’s too big of a drop” that’s what I’ve been doing all along and have been doing quite well thank you. It may simply be that it’s too soon since the last drop or the stars aren’t aligned correctly. Right now I am taking 500 mg Depakote ER daily.
I have been working out regularly for 30 minutes a day 5 days a week for a couple of months now and have been taking extra time lately to stretch my calves. They still tighten up at night and make it difficult to sleep. I’ve tried rubbing them but so far nothing seems to help. I have a friend who is a massage therapist, maybe I’ll see if she can do anything. The anxiety attacks are hitting hardest at night. I’ve started sleeping with the bedroom door closed because I keep feeling that there is someone in the hall watching me. Maybe the ghost is back. Last night I had to get up because I was convinced that death himself was lurking in the room, waiting to swing his scythe. Lack of sleep makes the brain do funny things.
I’ve had only a few hours of rest and feel like a wreck. There is a party this afternoon that I need to attend to meet a possible business contact. Hopefully there will be time for a nap before then so that my wild eyes don’t scare this person off.
Here’s hoping that I don’t start hallucinating.
Those who speak