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Day four of this soul crushing depression. The sun is still out, mocking me. I keep hearing people outside talking and laughing while I remain curled up on the sofa listening to an endless stream of negative thoughts. “You’re old. You’re ugly. You’re always going to be alone. You’re worthless. You have achieved nothing. No one cares about you. You could die today and no one would care.” Repeat ad nauseam. I was happy early in the week. That seems like ages ago. I feel like I will never be happy again.

I know that this is the depression talking. I know that I will be happy again. That maybe this has been caused by the recent drop in dosage of the depakote. The only way to tell is to be a sadist and monitor the mood for another week. If things don’t improve the dosage will have to go back up. I promised myself that I wouldn’t force myself off the meds. I mean, the doc and I have gotten me down to just the depakote and strattera. That’s really excellent. Before switching to Dr. C. the cocktail also included lexapro, clonazepam, risperdal and trazadone. Maybe it is expecting too much to be able to get off the depakote. I hate this drug. I went on it because I was in a Cymbalta induced dysphoric mania and was suicidal. It was extremely effective. Within two days the mania was gone and although I felt stupid and drugged, I didn’t care because the three million TVs that were blaring in my head had been turned off. After about a year the drugged feeling passed and I started having some clarity of mind, which I guess is common. However, I remain tired most of the time. I also experience constipation, gas, bloating and memory problems. Due to chronic constipation I had to have surgery on my ass – and if you really want to have an embarrassing surgery try being in the OR with your butt hiked up in the air with the surgical team all taking a gander at it. I have never been so grateful of being knocked out. Before anyone says anything, no, fiber, psyllium husks and stool softeners did not help. Besides I was vegan at the time. You couldn’t have gotten more fiber in me if you had tried. Ayurveda has taught me to eat oily foods (ghee, veg oils) which actually makes a hugh difference. Sorry for talking so much about my colon. However, I have a feeling that many of you can relate.

Anyway, I know that I am not what my thoughts are saying. The following is a bit self serving but I need to write down some positive things to counteract my brain. I may feel 70 because of the meds but I am only 40. I have great skin and look much younger. I regularly get carded at bars while with my 30 year old friends, who do not. (Which is really stupid on the servers part btw.) Men still find me attractive which I admit gives me a lot of anxiety but I am working on that in therapy. (Nothing’s ever easy is it?) I may not be magazine pretty but I don’t make the baby jesus cry either. I am successful in my job. I have been promoted two times in three years. I work with highly educated professionals, and although I do not have an advanced degree I am respected for the work that I do and am regularly called upon to facilitate meetings between said professionals and to speak in public. They value me enough to allow me the flexibility to work around my illness and have never voiced any concern about doing so.

I have to admit that I have not been as successful in my personal life. While I have gotten better about dating a better grade of men, it seems that my anxiety around them has gotten stronger. I use to be able to work through it but now when a guy shows any interest I panic and have to get away. My therapist says that I am looking for a guarantee not to be hurt. Which isn’t possible I know. I can tell he’s frustrated with me because if I know this why am I not making progress on it? I try to explain that I know that my feelings are not rational, they just are. I am not responsible for how I feel. Only how I act. Jerk.

So today is Memorial Day and it’s sunny and I am once again sitting in my living room thinking morbid thoughts. I should get cleaned up and take a walk. I am feeling rather paranoid – I feel like people are staring at me, like my depression has stained my skin and everyone can see it – and it makes me nervous to be out. It would probably be a good thing(TM) however so I should do it anyway.

We’ll see. Here’s hoping, dear reader, that your day is better.

Peace.