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Some friends of mine went out of town this weekend and I am watching their puppy. He is great and super cute but I am remembering why I needed to give up my dog in the first place. I am already under a lot of stress and pet sitting is causing me additional anxiety. At least, so far, he’s been pretty easy to watch. He even let me get a full eight hours of sleep last night. The biggest problem is keeping him entertained. The weather is crappy (it’s snowing – in May! WTF?) so we are stuck indoors. Well, I’m stuck. I’m fine with being outside but he doesn’t like the cold and refuses to walk.
Small annoyances really. If he would leave me alone long enough to meditate I’d probably be okay but he has to be constantly touching me and won’t let me out of his sight. A little bit of separation anxiety.
What I am seeing here is that I still have quite a bit of anxiety when my routine changes. I will need to pay attention to this.
This evening I made the mistake of drinking a couple glasses of wine. Why is it that people who experience depression aren’t drawn to uppers? I mean really, why depressants? It makes no sense. Anyway, I usually avoid wine when I am alone specially because it makes me feel even more isolated. Now I feel bad about myself. This was such a stupid thing to do.
I haven’t continued in my effort to get off my meds because I am so stressed out about my job situation and from dealing with three of my friends who continue to be in crisis. Hmmm… don’t know about you but I’m thinkin’ this ain’t such an ideal time for changes in the ol’ brain chemistry. Think I’ll ride this plateau for a while until life evens out a bit.
I am continuing to cook for myself (gold star for me) and am keeping a routine. Now if I could just figure out what to do about my job. It is very stressful but I honestly don’t know what else to do. I am lucky in that the only debt that I carry could be liquidated and I could easily live on less money. (Do you hear the “but” coming?) But I just don’t know what to do. Argh. I’ll have to think about this some more. And when I say “think” I mean “worry”.
This morning was such a waste of time. I got up, showered, dressed, went to work, got sick and came back home. My digestive system is all screwed up. The burning wall of stress that I encountered first thing at work today didn’t help. I am taking a Aryuvedic medicine called triphala to aid digestion which I hope will help counteract the constipating effects of the depakote. I am also attempting to eat better by eating whole foods and cook for myself. This is going well so far even with this morning’s setback.
I’d forgotten how much I enjoy cooking. I lost that somewhere in the darkness of the last depression. The enjoyment is even higher when I manage to clean up the dishes right away. There is something nice about having the kitchen ready for the next meal’s preparation.
I even made my own ginger “tea” today by peeling a two inch piece of fresh ginger root and putting it in a thermos with hot water. It’s very tasty and good for digestion (or so I’m told.) You can do the same thing with licorice root but I haven’t been able to find any yet.
Yesterday I had an appointment with a Ayurveda practitioner. Ayurvedic medicine is a ancient health system that is from the general area of India. It focuses on creating harmony in the physical, mental, spiritual and social parts of a person’s life. I found out about Ayurveda through a zen meditation class and decided to find out if it could help me in my quest to get off and stay off the psych meds.
The appointment was very informative. Ayurveda has a concept called “doshas”. The three doshas are Vata, Pitta and Kapha. Everyone has elements of all three but generally has one that is dominate. We have our constitution (Praktuti – the dosha that we are born with) and our current condition (Vikruti). The point is to align ourselves through diet, exercise, herbs and a number of other things (that I am not yet familiar with) to be as close to the constitution that we were born with as possible. This allows us to live authentically and be healthy.
It sounds all strange and a bit like voodoo but it honestly makes a lot of sense. For example, my Praktuti is Pitta-Kapha. This is supposedly fixed at conception and stays the same throughout one’s life. My Vikruti is Pitta-Vata which means that I have a Vata imbalance. In order to correct this and get back to Pitta-Kapha I am to:
- follow a Vata pacifying diet
- keep a regular daily routine (e.g. go to bed and get up at the same time, take meals at the same time)
- take a 20-30 minute walk in the morning
- meditate for 30 minutes daily
- drink one cup of tulsi tea daily
- avoid raw rough food, iced beverages and cold food/water
There are also food combinations to avoid (which is true for everyone) but I’ve been told not to worry about that right now except to eat fruit by itself about an hour after other food. Apparently it ferments in the intestines and can hinder digestion.
It sounds complex but it makes sense if you think about it. Each dosha is aligned with elements. Vata = space & air, Pitta = fire & water, Kapha = water & earth. To pacify a dosha or to not aggravate your primary one, you would use foods that have the opposite qualities of that dosha. For example, the qualities of Vata are dry, light, cold, rough, subtle and mobile – like space and air. To counteract this you would eat foods that are cooked with oil, that are moist, warm, soft and heavy. See easy. Okay, maybe not but I’ve been doing a lot of reading.
I’ll write more as I progress on this journey.
My plan to slowly go off my medications has been interrupted due to fear. I am down to just the two meds, Depakote ER and Strattera. The next one that I am planning on weaning myself off of is the depakote as it has the most side effects. I really want to be off of it but at the same time because it has such a damping effect on me I’m a bit afraid of what I may be letting out of the box. The tapering will be extremely slow and I have my psychiatrist’s blessing but it’s still scary. What if I go manic? Worse yet – what if my moods start to cycle? That just sucked so much ass last time. I don’t want to go through that again.
I will eventually start the tapering process. Probably by this weekend. I am just a bit freaked out.
I did a visualization exercise today to explore my feelings on a subject that I am conflicted about. I imagined the situation and then put my awareness on what I was feeling while it was replaying in my head. It was a interesting and enlightening process.
The first step was to sit comfortably with my hands on my knees, back straight, lips slightly parted and breathing through my nose. After a few minutes I brought the person’s face into my mind. The face was unclear which made me realize that I had never taken a good look at it. I could not remember if the lips were thick or thin, what color the eyes were or where the cheekbones were placed. All I could really remember was the impression of a generous smile. You would think that for the number of times that I have seen this person that I would have at least looked at him. It’s rather amusing.
The exercise brought up other feelings as well, making me realize that what I needed was to say what was on my mind. Since I can’t actually talk to him, I imagined him in front of me and had the conversation. I guess that only time will tell if this was truly effective. I hope so. I have gained some insight and possibly a new way of dealing with this type of situation in the future.
Three of my friends are in crisis and there is nothing that I can do about it. One is out of a job, one is depressed about getting older and one’s marriage is dissolving. I try to be there for them but two of them are the stoic type and I have no idea what is going on in their heads. One has become an alcoholic and has a constant slur in his speech.
The buddha says that life is suffering. I know this to be true but I do not understand why this has to be. The buddha also says that suffering is caused by attachment. Attachment to the idea of the type of job one must have. Attachment to the type of person or age that you need to be. Attachment to what constitutes an appropriate marriage. It seems that we cause our own suffering by latching on to an illusion of what something is suppose to be that we can’t see that there are other options.
I know that all I can do is be there for them if they need it. It’s just so frustrating to sit and watch.
A holistic health practitioner gave a talk about nutrition and mood disorders in a class that I am taking. Her main message was to eat whole, unprocessed foods which you make yourself. Avoiding caffeine, sugar, white flour, regular pasta and other foods which spike blood sugar and cause sudden shifts in mood. This makes sense and I have decided to give it a try. I was already cutting out coffee anyway and sweets have never been that big a draw for me.
She is big on free-range eggs, apparently they have omega-3 fatty acids in them and other good things that battery hens just don’t have (because of the crappy lives they live.) She is also a big proponent of organ meat which is a little freaky for me. Having been vegan for several years eating meat again has been a bit of a challenge. Eating hearts seems rather barbaric. However, I did find some organic liverwurst and that made me relive a happy childhood memory. I can’t imagine anyone liking liverwurst unless they had it as a child!
The other thing that I learned was that it is important to eat protein at every meal because this makes the body process carbohydrates slower which keeps your blood sugar from spiking and thus keeping your mood more consistent. For example, eating eggs with oatmeal or sliced turkey on whole wheat bread.
I believe that you can do all of this with a vegan diet, it would just be a little more complicated. I’ll post more when I’ve been following this for a while.
Those who speak