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Still deeply depressed and ping-ponging between agitation, rage, and crying. This is so fucking pathetic. Yes I know all of the intellectual bs about how to handle my illness – fuck knows I go to therapy every other week and consistently take the pills. Tonight however I hate my friends, this city, this state, this fucked up country and the truth is nothing is going to make me feel better. It’s another manic depressive fuck over. Just lay there and muffle your screams in the pillow baby.
I am saying “fuck” a lot. It feels cathartic. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!
How many times have I gone through this? 10? 20? 100 times? How many more times am I going to have to go through this again? I know that I am stronger than I was even a year ago. The episodes don’t last as long. Why haven’t they decreased in intensity? Why is music still so painfully beautiful? Why do I still get so easily pissed off? Why do I still get so deeply depressed.
The doctors have warned me that this is a chronic illness and that I will be taking one step forward and two steps back for a number of years before I become more stable. Fuck.
Enough bitching for tonight. Sleep med is kicking in. Maybe I’ll get a full eight hours of sleep tonight. I haven’t been able to sleep well lately.
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