voice from the void

Today someone reminded me that it would be a good idea to post an update to this blog. Since going off the last of the medication in May I have been doing very well. One awesome thing is that I am no longer paranoid. I can walk around outside, take the bus, sit in coffee shops all without feeling like someone is waiting in the bushes to ambush me. I cannot express how liberating this feels. I’ve lost twenty pounds with another 5-10 yet to go. I’ve started running and love it. My therapist was after me for six years to run but I was always too exhausted by the Depakote to even attempt it. Now I wake up in the morning and am excited to get out there. It’s been slow going but I was able to run for 3-1/2 miles the other day without stopping to walk – a new personal best.

My memory has finally improved and I no longer forget where I am or what I was doing or how to get someplace familiar. I still get tired more easily than most people but this is improving. The thing that hasn’t gone away is the general anxiety that has plagued me the majority of my life. This tells me that (a) there are still unresolved issues that need resolving and (b) that I need to chill the heck out. I still avoid caffeine and limit sugar which helps a lot. Running also seems to help keep the anxiety at bay. Still working on this.

This music video has absolutely nothing to do with anything but it is fun. Finnish folk band Värttinä. The song is called Seelinnikoi.

Trucking along

It has been a little while since I last posted. My mental state has vastly improved since getting off the last of the psych meds two (?) months ago? I am still having difficulties with time (it all runs together) and memory but overall am much much better. Events that would have thrown me into a deep week or month long depression now only upset me for a couple of hours at most. Then the anger/frustration/unhappiness dissipates like so much mist and I am able to move on. I feel, dare I say it, healthy. No more fog in the head, no more constant and debilitating exhaustion. I must say it’s a wonderful amazing experience and I am grateful to have it again.

Not that everything is cotton candy clouds and lollipop trees. I did have to quit my job last fall in order to have the time to get off the last of the Depakote. As of today I have no leads on any work and I am burning through my retirement funds. There is a $2,500 annual deductible on my health insurance which effectively makes it only good for keeping me out of bankruptcy in the case of an emergency. But I have enough money to get me through the end of the year and I can always sell the car. I am hopeful to find a part-time job to ease my way back into the working world. My continued mental health is the top priority and I am willing to make further sacrifices in order to ensure this.

My recommendation to others who are considering life without psych meds is this:

• Learn everything you can about getting off meds, read other’s experiences, get help from others if necessary but ultimately listen to your body.
• Take it very very slowly. It took me two years and that was probably too fast. Take it one drug at a time. NEVER go cold turkey.
• Take extremely good care of your body and mind. Eat well & get as much physical exercise as you can even if this means walking to the front door and back. Everything helps.
• Drink lots of liquids.
• Cut out all caffeine, including *gasp* chocolate. Caffeine is a drug, find out what it’s doing to you. I switched to decaf and boy did that make me cranky for a while.
• Don’t be afraid to make sacrifices but decide up front what you are comfortable making.
• Have a support system in place in case of emergencies and for getting through rough patches – and there will be rough, briar strewn patches believe me. Every time you cut the dosage you most likely will experience withdrawal. It sucks. It will pass.
• Hang in there.
• You are not a victim. You are a strong person for taking this road. Take back your life.
• It’s okay to fall back, take a drug temporarily, go back to a higher dosage or whatever if you need to. It’s not like there’s a time limit on getting off meds. Take your time and do what’s right for you.
• Pray, meditate, light candles to the goddess, whatever will help guide you through this and give you comfort.
• Don’t be bitter. Shit happens.
• Move on.

I am currently on that last point. Move on. Not sure entirely what that means just yet. Maybe this blog will go as I feel little need to write in it. It has served it’s purpose. Life seems so impossibly infinite right now and I have no idea what to do with it all. I am rushing head first into it trying out all different things, or at least things that seem bright and shiny and new to me. Time will tell where this road goes. Regardless of where I end up, I hope to find you all there.

Peace.

I have a crappy haircut and my dog died

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Oh yeah, feel sorry for this kitty. I’ve been wallowing in sadness for the last three days. Time to move on. As long time readers may remember back in 2007 I had to give up my dog who had been with me for eleven years because I was so psychotic and depressed that I could not longer care for her. I found a wonderful home for her and really thought everything was done. However, they sent me a couple of updates and photos over the years, which I appreciated. They obviously loved her and were doing so much more for her than I could.

On Sunday I got an email explaining in graphic detail how she became ill about a month ago and how much she suffered before they decided to have her put down. Not what I wanted to hear. I mean, fuck, tell me that she died. I don’t need to know the specifics. Now I understand that they were trying to tell me that they did everything to help her, and they truly did. But Jesus H. Christ I’ve already grieved her loss once and now they are making me go through it again. Giving her up was probably the hardest decision of my life and here I feel so guilty that I wasn’t there for her in the end. Were they with her? Did she die alone?

It’s been a few days and I’ve calmed down a bit. I can see the truth of the matter. That I did the correct thing in finding her a loving home where she would get all of the love and attention that I wasn’t able to give her.

The irony is that here I am four (?) weeks off all meds and I could have cared for her now. All due to a misdiagnosis. God that hurts.

Just venting.

need a new blog name

This blog needs a new name. Or I need to make a new blog. I feel that it’s served it’s purpose and now is a good time to move on and write about healing rather than the daily grind of mental illness. I desperately need something positive to write about! My current idea is to write about improving one’s mental health through eating well, exercise, socializing, personal outlook, and what the Buddha calls “correct livelihood” which is basically doing work which is fulfilling and not harmful to others. I want to report on ways for people with mental issues to increase their quality of life. Simple tips that people can take or leave with room for discussion and ideas.

Any thoughts on a name? Is this something you’d be interested in reading about? I’ll have to come up with a prize for the winner.

2 year blog-o-versary

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Daily Living in a Manic-depressive World started two years ago today on May 28, 2007. Some posts were pulled from a previous blog which is why the archives go back to 2004. When I first started blogging about my mental issues I thought that medication was the only thing that was going to save me. A white knight in a bottle. While I still believe that psych meds have their use for short term crisis intervention I no longer believe that they are an effective long term solution. My experience has been that people are being labeled too liberally with diagnoses like bipolar and being put on potentially harmful and toxic medication with little understanding of the emotional and spiritual processes that are going on within the individual. I have gone from embracing my bipolar diagnosis and the associated medications to understanding that my “bipolar disorder” was caused by a bad trip on the anti-depressant Cymbalta. I am now med free and accept that I have depressions and anxiety due to emotional childhood abuse and neglect, and the suicide of my father.

I continue to struggle with depression and anxiety as I did while taking various combinations of psych medications. The difference is that I am no longer additionally suffering from the horrible side effects and zombification caused by these pills. I have been deeply humbled by this experience and make no claim that my way is the only way. Every person is unique. This blog is about my experience.

Back in May of 2007 I wrote a post called, “Left Brain, Right Brain” in which I talked about the loss of my creativity after going on Depakote. I am happy to say that it has come back and that I am creative and productive once again. This has greatly helped boost my self esteem and has vastly improved my quality of life. Something that has been missing these last six years.

This road I travel has not been easy and there is no end in sight. Some days are carefree and sweet while others are bitter and hard. I had to quit my job and live off my savings in order to get off the last of the meds and to learn how to live in a way that supports good mental health. I’ve learned to live with less. I’ve learned about what’s important to me. This has been difficult. Since last fall I have not had the support of a therapist or support group as I could not find one that would accept what I was doing. My psychiatrist has been great but I don’t see him much. My friends don’t want to hear about it and my it’s too hard on my family. I have felt very alone in this process. Which is why the comments and emails that people have sent over these last months and the other blogs that I visit have been so important. Thanks a million.

For all who struggle with the mind, I wish you safe travels.

depression haiku

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Depression can be a rather uninspiring topic. So, here it is in haiku form. Pain elevated to art. Whips not included. Write your own in the comments.

staring at the grass
shirtless jogger runs nearby
darkness briefly lifts

the stomach asleep
the mind too beyond caring
kate moss aspiring

the wind is howling
like Yoko Ono singing
pained and hollow

crows shriek in warning
evening sky leached of color
pain twists in my gut

image in mirror
layers of past and present
ghost of my father

lost hair and other byproducts of going off meds

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Things I am noticing a few weeks after being off psych meds:

• My hair is falling out. I’ve lost about 20% since going off Depakote ER. What the hell? I thought it was suppose to fall out while taking the damn stuff?!
• I am loosing weight. That last stubborn five pounds that refused to come off after taking Remeron is pretty much gone. I am making myself eat but there is little hunger. Pre meds I use to go through phases like this so maybe this is normal? Time will tell.
• My anxiety went up and now has gone down to a manageable level.
• Regular bowel movements! TMI, I know but try not having these for six years and you’ll understand my excitement.
• Body issues are back. I feel incorrectly fat and unattractive. Need a plan to deal with this. Thoughts on this are welcome. I am 5′-7″ (170 cm) and weight 161 lbs (73 kgs) so intellectually I know I’m not fat. It’s just not jiving with the image that I see in the mirror that screams, “Hey lardo! Want a donut?!” I feel bad every time I eat anything.
• Mild depression. Really, this is nothing but a summer’s breeze compared to the hurricanes I’ve escaped.
• Insecurity. I worry that I may offend/disappoint someone. Which is ridiculous because you can’t help offending people and you cannot plan for every response. Need a plan to deal with this as well as I cannot live my life in fear of offending/disappointing people. I would not knowingly do this and need to stop reading into everything. I was at an event that I hosted last night and was overly concerned that people weren’t having a good time. So I spent the whole evening worrying about that instead of enjoying myself. Everyone emailed me today to say what a great event it was. Talk about making your own hell.

That’s everything I can think of at the moment. Regardless, I feel great physically. Good energy levels and am sleeping well. The memory issues are still there. Trying to recall names is a real pain but maybe this will return. Hope the hair stops falling out.

some levity

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Things have been a little too serious around here lately. Got the idea for this meme off RosieSmrtiePants blog. Thanks for the idea!

8 Things I’m Looking Forward to

1. Getting a part time job. Nothing yet but still looking. Since this is a part time job and I don’t have to care that much about it I’ve been thinking about being a waiter in a small restaurant. I don’t mind hard work and it would be nice to do something where I don’t have time to think about my problems all the time.
2. Warm summer weather. While all the seasons are wonderful I am so ready to be warm all the way down to my bones.
3. Taking a day trip down the Mississippi. Just me, my car and the camera.
4. Finish painting my place.
5. Getting a new computer. My laptop has been circling the drain for a while.
6. Seeing how I do without psych meds. Now that I am off them I do wonder if I will be proven correct in my theory that my bipolar symptoms were a result of a bad Cymbalta trip. Only time will tell and I appreciate having the chance to explore this more than I can adequately express.
7. Having energy to do things! Holy crap it is so exciting to actually have the energy to paint the kitchen and take walks and ride my bike without being wiped out for days.
8. Making meaningful contact with other people. I realize that I tend to isolate myself and that I do this to avoid the pain that can come with any relationship. I have taken steps to make friends with a few other bloggers that I trust, to let them know my real identity. Now to make new friends with positive people in real life.

8 Things I did yesterday

1. Ordered a video game online. It’s a old Xbox game that I’ve always wanted to play. Only $15 used!
2. Went to the grocery store and found a high-grade chocolate bar on sale. Had it this morning with coffee (decaf of course.) Chocolate always tastes better with coffee. Always.
3. Had the multiple cherry angiomas lasered off my head and neck. Some were quite large and while harmless were not very attractive. Took five minutes and was virtually painless. Wish I had done this years ago.
4. Played Xbox for several hours. The weather outside was frightful, but inside was so delightful. And lethal. I kicked bad guy ass.
5. Took a nap.
6. Called my mom to wish her an early happy Mother’s Day.
7. Made plans to see the movie Wolverine.
8. Successfully avoided doing anything productive.

8 Things I wish I could do

1. Go out on a date. Tied in with #8 under “8 Things I’m Looking Forward To.” Need to be comfortable making meaningful connections with other people first.
2. Learn to cook without a recipe. Joined a cooking group to make progress on this.
3. Be a better photographer. This will happen with time and practice.
4. Be less angry. A lot of my anger seems to have evaporated as the Depakote left my system. People aren’t pissing me off so much.
5. Learn to tolerate and accept other people’s failings. I have a hard time accepting that people are contradictory creatures and are not predicable like computers. Their actions have nothing to do with me.
6. Be fearless. In some SciFi show a character says, “Fear is the mind killer.” (Dune?) So true.
7. Dream. I haven’t dreamed in years. There are thoughts when I am waking but no real dreams. Another casualty of the meds.
8. Pay off my mortgage. It’s not very big but it would be nice to not have the debt.

8 Shows I watch – I don’t watch TV but occasionally videos and hulu

1. 30 Rock
2. Family Guy (why do I find this show so funny?)
3. Stargate SG-1
4. Star Trek
5. Dr. Who
6. Mutual of Omaha’s Animal Kingdom – remember this show? I loved it as a kid.

Really can’t think of any more.

shit

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People are finding my blog with search terms like, “delusional positive thinking”. Seriously. Shit. I don’t have the answers for you. Please don’t look to me. I am blindly trying to find my way. There are no answers here. Only questions.

nuclear sex drive

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With the Depakote out of my system the sex drive is back, howling at the moon, clawing at the doors, knocking random guys off bikes. I recently ran into my ex and had to override my crotch in the decision department. It’s spring, I am super randy, this should be interesting. A few weeks ago I did someone… er… something that I really shouldn’t have. It was safe and all but I feel bad about it because while I like this person I don’t want to get involved with him. I am upset with myself for giving in to my baser instincts. I need to get use to having these feelings again. It’s been six years since I have actually wanted sex and it’s a bit overwhelming. Depakote makes a excellent prophylactic.

I have been listening to Lily Allen today thinking that this song sums up a number of the guys that I’ve dated. Sex isn’t that complicated yet many fail at it miserably. Luckily many succeed brilliantly! Anyway, enjoy the song. The video reminds me of HeeHaw.

Not Fair
by Lily Allen

Oh he treats me with respect
He says he loves me all the time
He calls me 15 times a day
He likes to make sure that I’m fine
You know I’ve never met a man who’s made me feel quite so secure
He’s not like all them other boys
They’re all so dumb and immature

There’s just one thing that’s getting in the way
When we go up to bed you’re just no good
Its such a shame
I look into your eyes I want to get to know you
And then you make this noise and its apparent it’s all over

It’s not fair
And I think you’re really mean
I think you’re really mean
I think you’re really mean
Oh you’re supposed to care
But you never make me scream
You never make me scream

Oh it’s not fair
And it’s really not ok
It’s really not ok
It’s really not ok
Oh you’re supposed to care
But all you do is take
Yeah all you do is take

Oh I lie here in the wet patch
In the middle of the bed
I’m feeling pretty damn hard done by
I spent ages giving head
Then I remember all the nice things that you ever said to me
Maybe I’m just overreacting maybe you’re the one for me

There’s just one thing that’s getting in the way
When we go up to bed you’re just no good
It’s such a shame
I look into your eyes I want to get to know you
And then you make this noise and it’s apparent it’s all over

It’s not fair
And I think you’re really mean
I think you’re really mean
I think you’re really mean
Oh you’re supposed to care
But you never make me scream
You never make me scream

Oh it’s not fair
And it’s really not ok
It’s really not ok
It’s really not ok
Oh you’re supposed to care
But all you do is take
Yeah all you do is take